I am Yours

2010-08-12T22:41:00.001-07:00

CB

2010-08-12T22:05:00.001-07:00

These are my new loves! :-)!

2010-08-12T22:04:00.001-07:00

bold, Experimenting with my new bloggeroid app. I found twitter too restraining. Sometimes i just need more space. So lets see how this app works.

Diamonds

2010-08-12T22:02:00.001-07:00

The pressure of it all makes everything beautiful

Solitude #1

2009-03-23T00:23:00.001-07:00

I am in solitude.

In this moment I am searching for me.

In this moment.... My heart is burning for....

2007-09-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

she broke it down like a shattering plate
explaining i am the reason for all her hate
i am the cause of the anger and pain
my insecurity simply drives her insane
now releasing the true emotions
my mind is merely drowning in an ocean
conventional ideas, what i once possessed...
is now dying, being put to rest
all along is was me smothering her
trying to hold on to what we once were
i am losing sight of what i want to be
plagued by what she hates of me
i fade out of her space
won't critique her taste
i will no longer be the cloud of her sun
all my harm will be undone
i hope she enjoys the new me
fulfilling my purpose.. to please my beauty
love mike

I'm weird.. Just my thoughts

2007-08-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

Who am I or What am I? Or better yet What am I becoming?
Do I know longer have the strength
to proceed in this relationship with this women?
God you know I love her to death
I would sacrafice the world
Just to give her the best
But I am weak, because I was once hurt before
How do I savage the pain
Thats leaves me so forsaking sore.
When I think I become distant
Lost within my thoughts
But still yet i am consistent
Lord she says she loves me
But why do i still hurt
Why do you plague these thoughts in me
I lack the desire to meet new people
For it is her I want
She is my chruch's steeple
I can't let her go, you see?
Cause quiet frankly,
It would be the death of me
But I need you lord to rid me of these thoughts
That things that plague my heart
For only te future holds death
If I conintue in this stress.

(By death I mean her leaving. I said if I let her go, or if she leaves me that would be the death of me. So if I continue with these thoughts, which I boldly voice, she may leave. So if I don't change, she will leave and that will be the death of me.)

3.27/07

2007-03-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

Fear floods my heart destroying every dam in the way,
As i persure this unreachable dream,
Of being a leader of my day.

I become nervous and distressed
Thinking I may fall
On my self driven road to success

Being told I may land flat on my face
Because they transition is hard to overcome
I try hard to lead this race

Enemies seem to love me for this new found potential
Though, I recongize their disloyalty
And continue to keep my life competition

The road I face endures obstacles which I must battle alone
Which I frankly understand are consequences
Of becoming history, of becoming known

2006-10-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

She is truely in his heart
A special someone he never wants to part
Her, is what makes him complete
That thing called love he no longer seeks
He desires to be with her everyday
Wanting to know her in every way
What they have is so real
Im just so proud my brother Will

2006-10-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Life is merely what we make. Some of us, including me, see it as a test for judgement day. If I grasp this idea, why do I let Life and it's unrightiousness control me. My emotions are dependent on my life. If life is treating good, my emotions are good, and vis-versa. As of this moment I am depressed, even more depressed when I realize I am weak. Knowing that I am a son of God should give me joy, but the obstacles of life prodcue saddness in my heart. "Why is this so?," I ask myself. Is it because i'm weak, is it just in God's will?

I long for an answer, but I know the answer can only come from me. ?

This is may seem weird, but aren't we all weird in are own personal way?

2006-09-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

Females, a species far beyond my understanding.

I feel like i lost part of me
The part that made us "we"
But I must let it go
Because its another fading slow
I just want to hold her tight
Her, being mine throughout the night
I just want a steady friend
Someone who knows where I have been
A person who loves me back
One who has what I lack

2006-07-28T08:34:00.000-07:00

Its you that i miss so much
Your face, I just long to touch
I just wish you were here
Here, to take away all my fear
I try hard to be a man
But sometiems its just so hard to understand
Why must I endure the burden
Even tho my heart is still hearting
I know, I must be strong for mother
God knows I love her
But who is strong for me
And what about Billy?
We bust are ass off
To get told the fuck off
For are little mistakes
This shit I just can't take
But Dad, I won't give in
My emotions will not win!
I will go on with you forever in my soul
For that is the only way I can remain whole
Tears leaked from this eye
That horrible day you were to die
But I shed no more
For the pain I will endure
Living strong forever more
In Gods will let your soul rest
In Gods Will.. I will be the best

2006-07-06T17:31:00.000-07:00

My image sets limits on my talent to achieve. The tongue in which i speak draws question about my faith. My hair style labels my characteristic as a person. When will people learn to accept me as me. Everyday of my life, someone is always try to change me. They never want to understand me, just change me. Make me a little more like them.

You all know who you are.....

Camden

2006-06-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

Life here is rough, judged by being tough, or just gansta enough.
I advice not to stare, not even a glare, true g's don't ever dare.
The dealers with the doe, give a quick yo, to get a quick blow.
Houses are coming down, slowly without a sound, I don't even wana look around.
This shit is insane, children crying from the hunger of pain, how can this be contained?
Mothers are cracked out, people living in doubt, they don't even know what their life is about.
The alleyways filled with sex, down the street people prepare for God's text, as the pastor shows up in a new lex.
Kids play hide and go seek with wholes in there sneaks, not even knowing their future is bleak.
Young dads scared to look their children in the face, so they leave without a trace, only leaving their waste
Parents round up their tots, because they hear gun shots in the open lots
Moms on welfare, go buy some new hair, and if the kids are lucky they might get something new to wear
Someone might pull a trigga for calling them a nigga if you aint nigga
But i gotta stay to pave a way for the kids not promised another day

I vs I

2006-06-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am going insane. My life has become work, nothing but work.

"Push, try harder, don't give in. Your the only one who will give yourself what you want."

But i'm tired, i'm starting to become weary.

"Your tired and weary?, Thats unaccepted, you don't get tired. It's not in your blood. Your to hungry to be tired."

I can't go on like this.

"Like what"

Driving myself empty

"You don't get it, you can't get empty, I won't let you. Your tank is always full, you will never rest, for rest is for the weak, your strong, you have to be strong."

I'm tired of being strong, who am I being strong for? Why am i pushing myself so hard? What makes me this way?

"Your being strong for everyone. You don't know it but you are. You are the best, dedicatation and duration makes you who you are."

Why aren't i praised for it?

"Because praise reinforces what you know. You don't need praise, you need critisim."

I'm constantly critique even by my own family, the ones "who love me."

"It's tought love, they know it will make you a man."

Who is to say I am not already a man...

2006-06-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

I'm lonely..

Only if you knew the real me...
Be a man

2006-05-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

I'm tired, shit, I'm tired of being tired.

Rage

2006-05-11T14:16:00.000-07:00

Oh how sweet is this rage
Lingering within
Locked inside a cage
Only with the potential of sin
I must captured it
Holding it tight
They can't see one bit
I can't expose it to the light
I must smile
I have to be fake
Until i'm senial
Oh for God's Sake!

2006-04-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

I'm slowing down
Trying to turn my life around
Hopefully ending up me
The real me
Authentic, something they don't want me to be
But I have to
It's just what I gotta do
I can't worry about what they say
Because it brings me in the wrong way
I'm going to be true
Without the influence of you
.l.....

2006-04-26T04:28:00.000-07:00

He is the one keeping me going. JCR is why i try so hard. I am constantly giving my all, resulting in wearyness. But I push, I just cant let him down. It was my promise to never end up like him, and I know I won't. I just wish he was here. Someone here to lift the load off my shoulders. Someone here to congradulate me for my hardwork. But, no, i have people who ctritize me for my mistakes, people who patiencetly wait to critize my failures. People who take advantage of my kindness. This shit is just getting heavy on my heart. I just can't take it anymore. It's making me insane, a person who pushes for nothing. I see no light, no rewards, no nothing at the end of my tunnel, just another day of this hellwhole. But something keeps me pushing. I pray to God everyday that I don't fall, that I don't fall into there world. ..

...

2006-04-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

You eat me up and spit me out,
Looking upon me with every sense of doubt
I try my best to please you
But that wish will never come true
It's hard for me to please you all
Sometimes I wana yell "Fuck yall"
But I won't because of me
It's just something you can't see
Sometimes I gotta hold it in
I just feel like I can't let you win
But one day you will know
That your not the one running the show
But for now you can have your way
Because I have patience for that day

You

2006-03-31T12:21:00.000-08:00

You

Your beautiful in so many ways
That I could just stare for days
The love you give is one of a kind
And i'm so honored that is mine
But what i love most about you
Is your ability to pull through,
The ability to stay true,
No matter what always being you.

This sets you apart
Making me forever want your heart,
something I'll cherish like gold,
something I will forever hold.
As you can see it's you I adore,
Cause My love for you will forever endure
I know you are the one for sure
You are the only one I adore

I Want to Reach Out to You

2006-03-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

I want to reach out to you
And feel your pain
I want to know what makes you blue
And drives you insane

She yells and screams
while you stare
And You cry and dream
without care

The life you live is rough
you take it all in
But you don't have to be so tough
Cause know where you have been

I want to reach out to you....

BLUE SKIES

2006-03-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

I look to the blue skies
Only to see where my life lies
I am tired and weak
And my life slowly becomes bleek
I cry in search of you
not knowing what to do
With no more room to fall
I feel like my backs against the wall
I just can't win this war of emotion
Slowly sinking in the tears flowing like an ocean

2006-03-07T18:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

November Cotton Flower

2006-03-06T18:57:00.000-08:00

Brown eyes that loved without a trace of fear,
Beauty so sudden for that time of year.

Jean Toomer-

2006-03-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

The leafs are dancing and the birds signing, what a beautiful day.

2006-02-23T16:22:00.000-08:00

Being Real-

Being real is simply being true. True can be defined in many ways, I simply think it is defined by oneself. Of course I have my own thoughts and views of what true is because of my religion, but who am I to judge of being true or not?

I was once told I was unreal
from a person I would have loved to kill.
The statement sat well in my heart
it kind of set me apart.
Apart from my inner me,
wondering if it was that obvious to see.
But a vision came to me,
it told me i could be anything I wana be.
It told I was true with the one and only
The one that will never leave me lonely
So I know I am real
And that it is now concealed.

Poem

2006-02-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

As this story is told
everything will unfold.
My feelings will be let go
In a wonder lit show.

I have downfall,
holding me down.
Something I never saw,
creeping without a sound.

I try to hold it in,
but its eating me inside.
I just can't let it win
But my life is about to collide .

It has become apart of me
something dealt with each day.
I just wish it would let me be
and let me have my own way.

I'm losing hope
And slowly dying within
I need something to help me cope
With this deadly virus called sin.

Everyone knows i'm over my head (The Fray)

2006-02-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

Today like any other day for the past few months I was viewing different colleges. I was emailing colleges requesting to be put on the mailing list of certain academic programs in the college. Like The School of Medicine at Drexel, or The Business School at Rutgers. Well anyways I really have my heart set on pre-med. I want to become an anesthesiologist, but am I really ready. I did some research on the profession and I was pretty shaken up. For four years I would be in college, another four years I would be in med school. Then another 4 years I would residency. Ha well I guess my drive is up. Now it's confusion, do I really want to peruse this career, am I ready for it. Then I thought about chosing something a little bit easier, something that I won't have to give my all. But would that be underachieving? But is it really underachieving, Can i really achieve becoming an anesthesiologist? Then I thought I will never know until I try, but is it worth trying with the constant fear of failure? I just hope I can prevail over my own doubts.

Inner Drive!

2006-02-06T18:53:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel an inner drive to achieve? Lately I haven't been myself, mentally, spirtually and physically. I mean it's a good thing, I just feel better and more energetic in all aspects of life, but it worries me. It feels like a high, a natural drive that won't last but maybe i'm wrong, maybe it'll end up like crack (lol). Maybe this natural drive is an everlasting drive, a drive that I won't reach again, but that I will alwasy strive for.

2006-01-28T11:24:00.000-08:00

Our walk with God is like our life. When we are young we learn, and go to school to gain knowledge. We our being prepared for the "real world". I guess when we are young, life is easier. And as we age we gain responiblity and life becomes a constant struggle. Are expectations from others grow as we grow.

Thats how i see our walk with God. When we are young we don't have much responsiblity. Older christians don't look to much at are sins, or are mistakes. We aren't really disciplined for lying at a young age. Yeah we might of got sent to our rooms, or put on time out, but nothing compared to guilt. As we grow in our walk with God, sin becomes guilt and we tend to discpline ourselfs with guilt. Parents and elders slowly lose grasp and guidance on our life, until we become fully dependent on God. Then, at that moment where we develope guilt is shamelessness when we committ sin, life becomes a constant struggle. We fight to do whats right, and strive towards God. But we constantly and fall and struggle towards that Goal of perfection.

......

2005-12-21T17:25:00.000-08:00

I sit and think what is to become of me, if I am fit for the expectations of these people.

Is deception ever justified

2005-11-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

As a devote Christian I could never come to conclude justification of deception. Deception is another word for lying, which is merely a sin. My experiences in life will also back my ideas about justifying deception. Deception is simply wrong, and can have no justification in no way shape or form. I know everyone has lied, cheated or took place in some form so deception and I know they were caught in the action.

My parents always told me that deception was wrong. I agreed, but still participated in decietful acts. As I matured, I was lead into Christianity were I learned and followed the rules of God. One rule is simply not to lie, which deceiving consists of. I know stating my belief about "God" on this topic is highly arguable, but is it still good morale?

I remember when I was 12-14, my pre-Christian years; I did some pretty bad things, deceitful things. But I tried to stay away from lying, or deceiving people. Deception only lead me to guilt and pain. Whenever I lied I felt a feeling I didn't understand, something I didn't comprehend. Of course I described the feeling as guilt, which is defined as feeling blameworthiness for having committed a wrong. So I accepted the fact that I needed to understand this feeling I felt when I committed wrong doings.

I spooned matured, concluding that the feeling were God. Of course we all have different names for it, but we all experience the same thing. After participating in deception we merely feel wrong. Everyone can think of excuses of why they were decietful but it doesn't justify the act as being right. It is wrong, no matter was race, culture, religious background, country, state, island, etc... We all seem to describe the feelings in the same way, and I can't come to believe that feeling of wrong can be justified as being right.

Stress + Annoying passenger = ANGER

2005-10-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

I was very stressed coming fromw ork tonight. As i waited for the bus i just thought about the things that were bothering me, lack of sleep, school, the bad news about wow, SATs, helping my mother out, just eveything. So i guess you can say i was in a bad mood?

Well as usual the clock struck 9:45pm and the bus was in sight. I started to pull out my bus fair as the bus approach. I did the usual, hands the driver my money and took a ticket. While walking to my seat, a short and chubby lady with no front teeth stopped me and ask, "Do ya know where park ave at?"

I answered, "no" in confusion.

She said, "Oh, i thought i saw you in the newspaper missin". After the statement the whole front section of the bus laughed, even the bus driver. I held back my agner, trying to be "the bigger person". I just walked quietly to my seat, I didn't let my pride take advantage of me, for now at least.

Well a minute or so later we started to aprroach the next bus stop. A tall slinky white fellow came on the bus, i sort of knew him from taking the same bus so much, so i said hello. When he sat his stuff down, he went back to the front of the bus tp pay his fare. On his way back, i heard the same chubby lady say, "Everytime someone knew gets on the bus, they get uglier". The statement didn't hurt me, but i glanced at the nice gentlemen and saw his face down, as if he was scared, scared to stand up. But once again i kept quiet.

Well about minutes later we came into oaklyn where two old foreign people came onto the bus. When they walking about to their seats, the lady once again made a comment, "I guess foreign people do stink". That was the finnal straw for me, i moved to the front seats of the bus. I sat down and let the lady have it. At first I just tried telling her that she was wrong talking about random people. I told her that her expectations in life must be low to get happiness out of making someone feel bad. As i continued to talk she just start yelling, "Shut you young ass up, shut up, you don't know what you talking about, shut up".

I started to laugh at the lady, I remembered playing those games with Will (my brother) years back. Whever i was done arguing with him i would just tell home to shut up. But getting back to the point, i couldn't take it anymore. We start going back in forth with jokes. I can sadly say i would the little dispute. I called the lady an obsese oppa lupa, which basically made all the passengers of the bus laugh. I didn't think it was that funny, matter of fact i still don't. I think the people just exagerated the joke because the lady was annoying. But anyway after that the lady started to get quiet. She kept repeat, "You just a kid, i'm not gonna argu wth no kid".

I laughed as i got of the bus. I wasn't luaghing at the lady, i was laughing at myself. I gave in so easily. Of course it felt good to shut that annoying lady up, but sin feels good. And i believe what I did was a sin, or at least Jesus wouldn't do it. So pray for me. Pray that I can successful manage the stressful advantage in my life, and that I not displace my anger on random people.

Part II

2005-09-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

As the boy comforted his mother, a loud noice came from the door. The mother looked towards the door with fear in her eyes, as the boy continued to show no emotion. "Mother, he can not harm you, for God protects all who believe. Just believe."The boy's words were again simple, but they were words of truth.
The knocks at the door became louder, but instead of looking at the door, the mother closed her eyes. She concentrated on God, the very moment was his. "God I ask you forgive me for my lack of faith, but i praise you for the strength and wisdom you have gave my son. I ask one thing of you in this very moment, which is to keep us safe."
"Mom, why are you pleading for saftey."
The mother turned her his in disbelief. She thought to herself, "How did he know?"
"That doesn't matter! You shouldn't ask God for saftey, just believe in him, let him guide you."
Again she was shocked. Her son was somewhat reading her mind in a sense. The mother then believed. Her tears suddenly stopped and she arose from her knees. The mother and son slowly walked to the door. The son slowly opened the door, which a shining light slowly peaked in. When fully opened, they were welcomed with a stair way to the realm of eternity.

Yeah yeah i know, the story sucks. But i just felt like finishing it.

2005-09-12T15:53:00.000-07:00

The boy yells to his mother, "Where's daddy, when is daddy coming home?".

The mother slowly pointed her head to the floor in shame. She knew the boy's father was never coming back. She finally answered, "Jr., I think your old enough to realize your father isn't coming back."

Jr. had to let the words sink in, he couldn't quite believe the words he was hearing. Then suddenly he felt some type strength. Not a physical strength but a mental and spirtual one. He finally concluded it was God, that only God could give him this strength.

During all of Jr.'s thinking his mother was staring, wondering in dismay, trying to figure out of her son comprehended what she was trying to say. Then before she could open her mouth to ask if Jr. was ok he started to speak.

"Mom everything is ok, God tells me so"

The mother then opened her eyes, in shock of the boys saying. "How do you know", she said with tear flowing from her eyes.

Again with no sign of emotion the boy answeed, "God tells me so" Then he began to move, he was heading towards his mother. By now, she was on the floor crying not understanding her son. When he finally reached his mother he layed a hand apon her shoulder. With the other hand he gently lifted her face. Then he spoke again, "You are a child of God, everything will be all right"

To be Continued.....(Prolly Not hahahah)

A Convo w/Bro

2005-08-30T19:00:00.000-07:00

My brother said that some poeple think, "Life is all about fun," which i agreed on.

I responded by saying, "Its not wrong to desire fun, but life is, without a doubt, to live like God the best you can".

Then Will (my bro) simply asnwered, "People define fun by feeling good. (Which again agreed) So we should seek joy, because joy also gives us that feeling of feeling good, but its everlasting." Of course he said it in different words, but i believe that was basically the whole point. That small topic of our huge conversation was most likely the highlight for me. It just changed my view on life and how I should live.

Maybe it's not wrong to seek to have fun, but seeking joy is worth so much more. So now that i recongnize this, I hope to change in that area of my walk with Christ. I hope I can find joy in him no matter what event, situation or coversation. Whatever life brings me to, I wish to find joy, to always have a positive feeling. So I ask you, just to keep me in your prayers.

2005-08-21T18:58:00.000-07:00

God is really working in my life right now. I am just so pleased with the blessings he has gave me. For one my girlfriend Charisse is now attending chruch with me at St. Pauls. She has attended the past two weeks for the WOW service. I am hoping that she enjoys and that she will come with me more often.

I also feel as though my relationship with Christ has truely grown. I have been reading the bible more often, not as much I i attend, but a huge leap. I have more quiet time with him, I am more open with praying out loud, and most of all I pray more. I just see my myself maturing in my walk, and hopefully my actions show it to others.

God is just great, and hopefully I will continue to have this postivie attitude. Well i just want to share my praises and happiness in the Lord.

2005-07-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

Its kind of funny, when i walk into the house, there's no one their to greet me. I say this because my brother is gone. Now he has a job at Camp Halluwasa as a camp counselor i guess. Next year he will be a senior at Sicklerville Vocational School. Most likely, he will be moving over my aunt's house, due to the distance of his school and other reasons that would better him.

When I think of this, I think God is preparing me for a test. How can I put this into words, that will make sense.

As Christians, we have to take a path, a path harder then any other. We must live a life that potrays God. Of course we all know that being perfect and sinful is humanly impossible, but it is still our duty to try. It is our responsiblity to walk that path as best as we can, and when we stray from that path, we repent.

I can honestly say, that i seemed to wonder from that path many of times. Of course I would repent and confess to God of my wrong doings. But, it seemed as though i was lost, with no path in sight. But Billy, my brother, was my flashlight, my guide back to that path. I guess i was kind of reliant on Billy to lead me to that path. I doubt he knows i was so reliant on him, do to the simple fact i never told him. But, i didn't feel the need to tell him, his presence spoke louder then his words. He actions shined more than words could ever explained.

But now he is gone, not gone out of my life, but away from my path. His presence won't be their to guide me back to my path anymore. His light has slowly dimmed away, where i can not see it anymore.

This day, oh this wonderful day I have waited for so long. Not that my brother is gone, but that my world is dark again, but not completely. Slowly but surely I am becomming more dependent on God. There is light, far far away, but in time i will reach it. Everyday I walk a little farther, and everyday my life is a little brighter. Now, now the path is in sight, and i don't need a flashlight to see it. Now the path glows, glowing with the smile of God.

I will miss my brother If he leaves this year, or whenever he leaves. But this life experience will better my relationship with God. My distant reltionship with God is my own fault, and i wish to fix it only with the help of Him. I don't wish to be reliant on others to show me my way back to God. I wish for me to find my own way, only with the help of God.

It goes to show you, that God is truely the only steady rock in life.

I tried my best to explain my situation, and i truely apologize if it is confusing.

SAT ESSAY #1

2005-07-11T14:27:00.000-07:00

Are people motivated to achieve by personal satisfaction rather than by money or fame? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations

People in modern time are modivated more my money and fame rather than personal satisfaction. This world is corupt and lost in the material things that are widely advertised. The world, consisting of all races, cultures, religions, and etc..., as a majority believe in a highly misleading custom that money brings happiness. As a teenager with many desires, i may honestly say that i sometimes contribute to that majority. We all as human beings have a natural desire for happiness, which we motivate ourselfs to have. I am just convinced that are motivation to achieving this happiness is money or fame.

If you take sport players for example, a professional player in most sports may make more money then i might ever make in my life. My first instict would be that these people must be the happiest people in the world, but my observations prove me wrong. Even though these players are making millions and millions of dollars, they still want more. Players refuse to come to practice, minicamp, or whateve it may be just to make a few more million. It is money that drives them to play, but not to achieve happiness. Some of these all star players would rather be the best and make more money, then be average and joyful.

Many people living within our nation never reach their true potiental in happiness due to their motivation. Unfortunally, this motivation consist of money and fame and rather than personal satisfaction. I am still convinced that as a majority we tend to motivate ourselfs in the wrong way. But i have hope and faith that we can one day "as a majorty" have a motivation which consist of personal satisfaction.

This is some practice writing for the SAT, so if you have any advice, or see any errors, please reply.

First Day at Work

2005-07-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

Well i somehow got like an engineering intern job through my school. Today was the first day of work for me. I missed the orietation so i just showed up to meet my employer which i thought would be a easy day. I was so wrong, first we had a tour, which i will start giving in two weeks. They told me i have to wear slacks, shoes, sometimes sneakers, and a nice shirt. My face just dropped.

I still think the job will be fun, learning about the engineering career. Their is only 3 other students that work along with me. My plan is to work hard enough so i can recieve better pay, since i only make six dollars a hour. I don't think it's to hard to stand out in a group of four. Well i need to get some stuff done. PeAcE

Why am i dependent?

2005-06-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel that i am very dependent on others. This in my opinion makes me weak, being so reliant on others. This weakness that i bring upon myself makes me lazy and somewhat helpless. I say helpless only because I recongize the problem, but still seem to continue doing it. Which in my opinion makes the situation uncontrollable on my part. I can't explain my reasoning for being so dependent on my surroundings, it is just a habbit of weakness.

I wonder if my being so dependent occurs from the fact that i know my surrounding people will most likely do a simple task if i ask. As in the bible is says to surround yourself with good people. In which i do in school and out. So i surround myself with religious or good moral friends. Most religious or good moral people are friendly because of their teachings. Where i am getting to is that most of my friends are nice enough to simple task for me.

This paragraph is a little off topic, but it just came to my mind when finishing the last paragraph. Since i do understand the fact that most of my friends will do these simple task. Am i taking advantage of their generosity? Am i using their good moral teachings to benefit myself? When i think about it, it seems so bad, but in reality is it? These are questions i ask myself when i think about how dependent I am.

Attitudes

2005-06-26T15:19:00.000-07:00

I don't understand the attitudes that I as a christian display. Today i realized during a mission trip, that i enjoy doing work for others. I had fun doing the work, I actually got things done, and it was something that benefitted someone else that made me feel good.

Getting back to the point, when i do things for my mom i don't have that same attitude. I know it benefits her, but why don't i feel that same passion? I can't seem to understand what makes me feel differently about helping my mom and a total stranger.

Don't get me wrong, I do help my mom, more then ever, considering the lost of my father and grandfather. I do understand the fact that she needs a little help, in which i give. I just don't understand why i don't enjoy it?

Poem#4

2005-05-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

Lost within
Corrupted by sin
Life is off track
Number one prayer,
Is to get it back

Flesh in bad
Making you sad
The soul in dismay
It seemed fine,
Until it lost it's way

But there is a path
Finding it? You do the math
Follow his name
And i guarantee ,
Your life will never be the same

Poem 3

2005-05-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

Her eyes are like the moon
Shining in the dark filled night
Her hips, like a ballon
Swaying left from right

They way she moves is stunning
Making others stare
Her words are cunning
Leaving Most in a glare

Well yeah... I had to write this in class, but as you can see i didn't finish. And i was about to, but i got like a writers block or something??

Poem#2

2005-04-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

I am at the age of 15
I live a life only limited have seen
The streets are rugged and beat down
The corners filled with cop sounds
Houses left day by day to rot
Say the wrong thing and you might get shot
But there is a light
Which is not far out of sight
It something that has to be found
Outside the boundaries of this town
It lurks deep within
That is a kind of friend
He will help you get out
And that is without a doubt

Haha, another little poem i just wrote in English class.

2005-04-12T18:17:00.000-07:00

I bodly admit i stumble
But produly admit, i do not fall
In all cases i try to be humble
And listen to the voice that calls
Deep within.......

Relief

2005-04-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

My Aunt Kathy came to pick me up for the rest of the spring break. Before returning to her house, we stopped for lunch. It was a nice little place, with good food i guess. After ordering we just starting talking about what my career choice, and college, stuff like that. It was quite interesting, finding out the oppurtunities that lurked ahead of me. Then finally we just starting talking about are relationship. She told that she loved me, and i did the same. I told her that things i said were out of anger, but not out of true feelings. I told her that i was an ignorant child that just wanted some selfish things. I told her that i now understand why she helps out in my family. It was a moment of relief, i felt pressure being lifted of my back.

Within

2005-03-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

Walk into the never ending maze of my mind
Slowly glance around and tell me what you see
Take you time to tell me what you find
You will experience the thoughts hidden within me
Take a step into my restless soul
See the sorrow that overflows within
I wish I could just take control
But my soul is corrupted by something called sin
Swim through my deeply cut rivers of pain
On your way, look at the tightly woven sores
At the things that make me want to go insane
But its time to end this tour by closing all doors
The same doors that let you in
The same doors that are open to sin

True Feelings

2005-03-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend name is Charisse Nicole Bowen. The first day we met we clicked. It wasn't anything special, nothing exciting, but something rewarding. Charisse and I became close friends over the years. We became best friends i guess. I really had feelings for Charisse, now to find out she felt the same. But Charisse always had a boyfriend, and i was always worried about the thoughts of others. So the timing of things never worked out for us to take are friendship "to the next step". This i find interesting, because i believed it worked out for the best.

Most of my friends prolly think this is just puppy love, or how ever you would like to put it. But proudly and boldly i am telling you now that it is not. We were friends for a year, before we finally became boyfriend/girlfriend. And nothing really changed between us besides the fact that when leaving each other, we kiss. It is nothing more, or nothing less.
When i look at her, i don't see that overrated outer image that the world loves. I see her inner beauty, her soul, that thing that captured my attention from the first day we met. I don't know what it is, or i can't explain it. But it's something on the inside, a feeling that i get when around her. And some of you may be thinking its lust, but i promise you it's not. It something unexplainable, a feeling that doesn't have words.

There is only one problem that seems to bother me. The immature, judgemental and stereotypic teenagers in my school. Kids seem to think that when Charisse and I have an argument we will brake up. I usually just laugh in the faces, because they don't have what i have. They just go out with a boy/girl, and when times get rought, they bail. Thats not me, i see it like this. Charisse and I are just closer friends, right? So when you and your friends go through rough times, do you run? Or when their is an argument in the family do you bail and abandon the whole situation? That is what most be do in highschool relationships. They don't stand and stick through the situation. This is what i don't do. For i know that during aruguments or hard times, people are angry and are fast to speak, or fast to express actions. ( I'm the king at this ). So i know that all things are not meant or intended , and a simple confession of being wrong can solve most problems. Just a theory of mine, which seems to work good for me.

Coach Carter!

2005-03-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

Out Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people will not feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not in just some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically
liberates others.

I just finished watching Coach Carter and this was recited. It seemed to trigger something inside of me. So i guess i felt the need to but it in my blog?

A plead for forgiveness.....

2005-02-20T07:35:00.000-08:00

Why are people so pressuring, why can't they just understand that i choose not to express myself in this moment. There will be a place and time for when i will bloom like a flower. Releasing all of me. But its not today, and everyone has to except that. I learned from my past expereinces that arguing just digs me into a deeper whole. So i'm not going to get into an arguement or also known as a "family meeting" in my family. Every, so called "family meeting" that ever happened was never a success. Everything wasn't all said and done, well at least for me. But how can open up to people that i don't listen to me. When i talk at these "family meetings" my ideas and thoughts are crushed. Thrown into the trash without consideration. So why, huh, tell me why should i "talk". You can all tell me that your listening, but it wouldn't make a difference. Not until i feel that fairness. That my word is also heard and not just tossed to the curb like a bag full of garbage.

And Bill, i'm not afraid of them, i'm fearless. It's just that i don't feel that same relationship that we have. I don't feel that special bond. That talking bond, that when you talk, i listen and when i talk, you listen. Here, its completely opposite. They talk, we listen, we talk, then are ideas are toosed like rotten fruit. So its not the fact that i'm scared, its just that i don't feel like i'm being heard. It feels like i can scream at the top of my lungs, but the words just don't come out.

And i'm really done, i have nothing else to say. I guess all my wants and desires are just selfish ambitions. Maybe i didn't talk at all in are "family meeting" but i listened. And that is what matters most. And Bill you gave me great advice, without knowing. You can't compare, so that changed my point of view on things somewhat.

People have flause, and some people's flause effect me differently. But i can't change someone to make my life more convient. So i'm sorry for my choosing of words, i'm a child, with fast thinking. I blurt out things, out of rage and anger. But this, this blogg, is not out of anger. It's somewhat out of happiness. And in this journal i am admitting that i was wrong. I admit i am a sinner, and that i will always sin. But God forgives me, and i'm asking you all to forgive me to.